Let’s Get Meta-Physical

Dear reader,

I have to assk you: have you ever had sex? I, although definitely not a sexpert, have some sexperience with the copulation between animate beings (thank you, thesaurus.com, for being a great dicktionary). However, if I caught your attention because you sexpected to read some of my most juicy sex stories or an inter-course or Dick-It-Yourself, I’m afraid I’ll have to disappoint you. Sorry to get you sexcited. Do keep on reading though, because the best is yet to cum…

If I have to be cumpletely honest, I think pairing is one of the weirdest things nature ever invented. Think about it for one sex (err, I meant ‘sec’, the –x and the –c key are way too close on the keyboard, get a room); you spermit some BODY (once told me) to grind awkwardly against yours until (usually) spasms occur which are, moist of the time, followed by both partners passing out from the act. For(nication) research purposes, I will make this a butt more of a personal case study, so if you in-the-deed continued reading and didn’t pull out even after my warning: you, my friend, are the breast! You are truly the tits!

In general, my Big Bang occurs in the morning. To provide some more context, that is when my metaesthetic is truly off point: heavy, yet foul breathing, eye bags bigger than my bosom and greasy hair giving me that 90s wet look, matching the state of my (down)underwear perfucktly. In cum, not very metastic. I find it utterly strange my partner still wants to add the D to my alpha-bed while seeding me like that. The awkward tituation reaches tits climax when I re-member I once named my partner’s man-from-the-hood Mount Con-Doom in an attempt to honor Lord of the G-Strings. This results in the whole act becumming even more of a joke, making his phallus a memember… a punis. Then, a few exercises of thrust and some genitalk (cunnilinguistics) ejacu-later, the doggo-style results in the spasms mentioned before(skin). Sexhausted and testicky from sweat, we hold each other in the afterglow, buttcheek to buttcheek, heart to heart.

Punny how sex still happens when you don’t look your most vulvavoom. Hoe-ever, I’ve come (yes, also like that) to lick these times best. They prove to me intimacy is about something deeper (yes, also like that) than superfacial attraction. It’s all about con(dom)nexion (even if it’s a quicky, wrap that sticky).

Spank you so much for reading,


Ps. send nudes.

Meta Huijsmans, Class of 2018, is a history, philosophy and politics major from Breda, the Netherlands.


Featured Photo Credit: Buzzfeed: GeorgeDolgikh/Thinkstock

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