The ARTicle of art

By Gemma Brown

The age-old question- what is art?

Well, not you (we can be sure of that)- nor that ‘live, laugh, love poster you have. Potentially the paper you concocted with 24 cans of energy drink and a year without sleep may suffice as a performance worthy of Marina Abramovic, and be deemed art. All that is certain is that as this generation’s reincarnated Picasso, I evidently have the most valid and authoritative voice on defining the very concrete notion of art. Of course, as the new generation of homeless revolutionaries and overtly obnoxious business people we should not concern ourselves with such superfluous matters such as art, yet, let us be luxurious and indulge in what possibly ‘art’ may entail. I implore that you recline, take a sip of your aged Glen Grant, and entertain an understanding of art through its disastrous repercussions.  


The calamitous social reverence of such an abhorrent alternative to linguistic academia raises many a problem; the civilised everyday man is being morphed into a wild anarchist trying to challenge the solid rocks that built this great and just society. People now feel it is appropriate to express themselves wearing colours other than black, and urinals are being mounted on walls. When one is busy trying to establish a safe and sturdy democracy one simply cannot have menial irrelevancies cluttering up the vast caverns of uneducated brains that wander our streets. Every day, millions of innocent children suffer tragically, being obliged to draw ‘soap on a rope’ or their quintessential nuclear family without having time to grasp important issues such as understanding the current economic climate and why female kangaroos have three vaginas. Idol people laze around watching ‘important videos’ on YouTube without ever taking time to really challenge this toxic practise that seeps through society- it is time to replace gouache with Google and acrylic with Apple!

Hark, it is time for us; the benign and benevolent members of society to join arms, rallying against the tragedy of the 21st century; art. No more can we have pilgrimages to overly stuffy museums with, and quite frankly far too small, paintings of bemused women – have unwieldy youths scrawling on the sides of buildings, nor have any young gentleman frost their hair for ‘fashion’. What we need is to regulate the use of colour in design, use argent grey and Sherwood tan to allow for chic uniformity; expression should only be limited to the most important form within society; academia, as one can never find reading an academic paper too invigorating and original. Thus I plead with you, dear reader, that you use you higher intellect and worldly understanding to fight the good fight; burn your Iggy Pop t-shirts, tear down your edgy band posters (you don’t even listen to them anyway) replacing them with far greater investments such as starched shirts and pages of Plato. From this true adherence to ‘the good life’ one can sleep rested, submerging oneself into blissful mediocrity- becoming forever immortalised into the history books.

Gemma Brown, Class of 2017, is majoring in Unemployment, from Tartarus.

Featured Image Credit: Thomas Hitchcock


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