A Mix Of Experience And Ambition
by Daniël van Hemert and Koen Schotanus
After the grand success of student initiative “Middelburg Verwelkomt” last semester, University College Roosevelt has turned its attention towards another demographic in the Netherlands that is in dire need of help: the elderly. Many commenters on Zeeland’s mediaplatform PZC argued that the local elderly are more in need of aid than the refugees and that UCR has alienated itself from the public of Zeeland. Ever since, UCR has been in contact with the municipality Middelburg to both find a way for the university to reintegrate in the local community and help out the elderly at once.
The result? The municipality Middelburg has agreed to grant UC Roosevelt a small subsidy of €12,50 per student of old age. From a recent survey, the general interest of the elderly lies in the tracks of History and Politics, but also Methods & Statistics after hearing that alumni rated the introductory course to the Statistics track as the most pleasant experience during their Roosevelt career. Furthermore, research is being conducted on the desire for a course on the taxonomy of the family of perennial plants commonly known as the cranesbills, like geraniums.
The main concerns faculty have are the English fluency of these new students, as well as their eyesight and hearing ability. Therefore, all students of age will have to pass a language proficiency test before they can officially enroll in a course. To minimize the potential issues caused by poor eyesight or hearing, UCR plans to invest the subsidies into classroom equipment like megaphones and adjustable binoculars. Management described this as “a short-term investment with a guaranteed payout” and expects to have a return on investment by 2037.
If all goes well, the first elderly will attend our classes starting next semester. Seeing the ease of negotiations with the municipality and popular feedback from the local community, UCR is also looking into hosting other demographics that are considered to be in need of help. The vision for the future lies at the Schelde. These waters have been threatened by water pollution and overfishing, causing the population of fish to drop drastically. Seeing as fish are crucial to Zeeland’s culture and wealth, and as a homage to our very own “Three Fish” analogy, University College Roosevelt considers this another invaluable opportunity to bring the university college closer to the local community. Whilst some of these fish will only attend classes, others have shown interest in giving a guest lecture on marine biology. Mediaplatform PZC responds to this initiative with a loud and clear “elderly over fish”.
Editor’s Note: The above article is a work of satire. Its content should in no way be interpreted as an actual record of events. It is also not intended to be, nor should it be viewed as, an attempt to predict the future.
Daniël van Hemert, Class of 2017, is an Economics and Politics major, from Leeuwarden, the Netherlands.
Koen Schotanus, Class of 2017, is a Mathematics and Physics major, from Mhangura, the Netherlands.
